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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24799495">blue.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shenyanigan/pseuds/ygoshenyanigans'>ygoshenyanigans (shenyanigan)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>canonverse au [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's, Yu-Gi-Oh! GX</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Disordered Eating, Eating Disorders, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, a metric fuckton of pining, background yubru, post canon alternative universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:34:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,051</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24799495</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shenyanigan/pseuds/ygoshenyanigans</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>fact: fudo yusei starves himself.</p><p>how do you tell him that you know?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Fudou Yuusei/Yuuki Juudai | Jaden Yuki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>canonverse au [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877230</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>blue.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi hello yes, okay, before we get into this i gotta yell really loud: if you have an eating disorder or suspect that you might have an eating disorder or suspect that a friend has an eating disorder, i am asking you to close this window right now. this fic discusses disordered eating at length. it is from a third party perspective, but it still describes behavior that is triggering. please take care of yourselves. also if you think that your friends have an eating disorder, you should not do what judai does in this fic. seek out help from a professional. eds are no joke. not to bonk you over the head with this stuff but. it's rly important. please stay safe.</p><p>ok other notes are that this fic is. deep sigh. it is so much. i'm sorry that i'm making you read ~3k about extremely slow burn juuyuu in a clearly established future au that i did no work to explain in this fic. maybe one day i will learn to give context. but today is not that day.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>fact the first: everybody is in love with the great fudo yusei. so when judai calls asking for a last minute reservation at the cat cafe in satellite and name drops the speed racer himself, not only does ms. nyangela (yes, that is her name; yes, judai is very jealous) say yes, she offers them the best seat in the house: the table right next to the cat tree.</p><p>"you know," judai has his face pressed into the butt fluff area of miki, the siberian cat. "i think everybody in satellite's about to get down one knee for you, yusei."</p><p>yusei, who has his hands full with a vocal persian and her very loud friends, is not paying him any mind. he has eyes only for... aiko? judai squints at the tag on her collar, but can't make out the print from across the table.</p><p>he hums in thought. miki hums with him, tail tickling his face. "or both, i suppose. depending."</p><p>aiko? akemi? purrs <em>very</em> loudly, nuzzling against yusei's chest. his glasses start to slide off his nose, but he doesn't seem to notice. or care, if the warm little smile on his face is any indication. judai's chest prickles with a blooming sort of ache, spreading and encircling his ribs, which is all sorts of annoying. he bites it back with a laugh.</p><p>"seems like there's a long line of people ready to suck you o—"</p><p>"judai-san," says yusei, sharply. judai grins. he likes to think miki follows suit.</p><p>"what?"</p><p>"the cats have sensitive ears."</p><p>"oh come on, she—" judai points towards akiko (fuck it, he's just making up names now) as she licks yusei's nose with her tiny sandpaper tongue. "—knows you're a snack."</p><p>yusei's expression remains stone as always, but he averts his gaze, ears turning that twinkly pink they do when he's embarrassed. judai's lips curl without thinking.</p><p>"you can't tell me you haven't noticed. huda was practically on the floor when she saw you. can't imagine what your mailbox looks like on valentine's day."</p><p>"nothing special," replies yusei, rubbing the back of his neck much to airi's dismay. she meows in protest.</p><p>"hm. doubt," says judai with a laugh, but he lets it drop nonetheless.</p><p>the silence between them is comfortable. their server, huda , had said she'd leave them be with the cats for a little while, so they could peruse the menu at their leisure, not that either of them have done much perusing. but that's fine in judai's book; he'll buy the cafe out for the rest of the night if it means yusei will keep smiling like this. well, not that yusei would let him do that. and not that he really has the money for it, either. but it's nice to see him smile. it's the first time he's seen that crooked little curve since... a while. too long. which is great, considering how unsure of this he'd seemed earlier, when judai had goaded him into it.</p><p>not to mention, this week in particular was especially harrowing. the bruno project was losing steam in some way that judai didn't understand. something about the mind palace being incompatible with itself? not connecting with the circuit board things? or something? computer stuff is <em>not</em> his forte. the what of it all didn't matter in the end, anyways. the tolls were always the same: eyes, bloodshot and bagged, his face going an eerie, washed out beige so unlike the pleasant shade of sun-kissed ochre he normally is, pot after pot of burnt, bitter black coffee poured into an unwashed mug to keep him going.</p><p>"there are lots of sweet drinks on here," judai says, suddenly. yusei cocks his head to the side as he looks up. <em>cute.</em></p><p>
  <em>wait.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>fuck.</em>
</p><p>"have you ever tried any of them?" judai barrels on, because if he doesn't stop thinking about the way yusei's eyes shine when he's curious, he might burst into flames. "they seem up your alley."</p><p>yusei's cheeks take a light dusting of rouge this time. "what makes you say that?"</p><p>a lot of things, really. judai could point to the moment he met martha, weeks ago at this point, and she'd told him that yusei's favorite beverage was milk, of all things. or the fact that yusei once rewarded himself after an eighty hour work week with one scoop of vanilla ice cream, and the sheer look of joy and magic in yusei's eyes had burned into judai's memory. frankly, though? it's just a lot of a little thing: whenever he has something bitter, yusei scrunches up his mouth in preparation, nose wrinkling with it. and that's how he looks at the coffee he drinks most the time, free of any sweetness, any cream.</p><p><em>you don't like bitter things</em>, had said judai one morning. yusei gripped the mug in his paling hands.</p><p>taking a gulp, all he'd done was shrug. <em>not particularly.</em></p><p>"lucky guess," says judai now. "are you gonna try any of them?"</p><p>"why do you ask?"</p><p>"so i make sure to get something else and i can steal some of yours," judai bats his eyelashes.</p><p>yusei laughs at that, eyes and smile rays of sunlight, before the clouds roll in when he looks at the menu. he drums his fingers on the tabletop, leans against his other hand. "i'm not in the mood," says he, his eyes lingering at various words on the page, almost like a child's hands pressing to the glass of a candy shop's window, hoping one day, mother will say they can go inside. that he's earned a treat.</p><p>judai looks down at miki in his arms, watches her big kitty face turn up to face his. something curdles in him. fact the second: fudo yusei starves himself.</p><p>that's a big thing to conclude from not wanting to order overpriced sugar milk from a cafe, but it's not just the coffee here or the coffee at the lab or at home, the few times judai's spent the night, and it's not even just the food, really. it's everything. it's the going to bed at 3AM to wake up at half six, it's the smoking a whole pack of cigarettes in a few hours despite the way he complains of the smell, it's the "no thank yous" to a lunch break and the "i'm not hungrys" after fourteen hours without a meal. yusei's whole life revolves around self-flagellation. food just happens to be at the center—or so judai has deduced.</p><p>but how do you tell someone that you know? how do you tell him that you notice his teeth chattering in twenty two degree weather, even with his coat on? how do you tell him that you count the tremors in his hand the same way you count the gulps of coffee he takes whenever his eyes so much as dart at a dinner plate? how do you tell him you know why some mornings he can't answer you, even when he hears, that you've seen him houdini out of every meal you share by cutting halves into quarters and saving the rest in to-go boxes and bentos that always end up in somebody else's steady hands? how do you tell him that you never had a moment where it clicked, you just realized one day over dinner, as a mere passing thought: <em>i need to call carly later about that article. the fish was a little dry tonight. yusei hasn't eaten since one of his tests failed. that was two days ago.</em> how do you tell him that you <em>know</em> what this is, you've seen it a hundred times in a hundred different ways, and every direction it goes is rancid, and if you don't stop it in its tracks right the fuck now, it's just going to spiral out of control? how do you tell him you're scared that spiraling is exactly what he wants?</p><p>no, really, judai's asking, because he doesn't know. he sure as hell doesn't talk about the thin lines etched into his stomach and thighs and any other patches of skin he could get away with slashing without anyone noticing. never been asked, never <em>wanted</em> to be asked, and the terror of that question one day coming from some well-meaning, concerned citizen has pushed him to wear t-shirts while swimming and pants in the middle of a heatwave. he can only imagine the lengths to which yusei goes to keep that shit off the table. to keep everything off the table.</p><p>judai's ministrations through miki's fur pause, while yusei's continue—or at least, his hands do. yusei's gaze has glazed over somewhere on the wall, fingers running up and down the back of whatever the fuck that cat is named, looking for something to do, and if anyone else glanced his way, all they'd see is a man petting a cat. just the way yusei wants.</p><p>"ah! i'm so sorry!"</p><p>judai startles a little harder than he should, head whipping around to beside him. huda's at the helm of their table, little notebook in hand, apologetic smile on her face. "there was a kitty situation, but um. it's all better now! are you both ready to order?"</p><p>yusei doesn't miss a beat, despite the glaze still shining on his eyes. "just coffee, please."</p><p>"cream or sugar?"</p><p>"no, thank you."</p><p>huda has that look on her face, the one most people have when yusei measures up to the cool image of him they had in their heads. judai runs his tongue along his teeth.</p><p>it's really none of his business, actually. judai showed up one day in yusei's lab without reason or preamble and imposed himself on yusei's life, solely because he was pissed off at everyone and everything in the year 2019. what right does he have, mouthing off to yusei about unhealthy coping mechanisms, spouting bullshit about self flagellation being the gateway drug to harder, more permanent solutions, when he got here because johan anderson finally realized he could do better? yusei wouldn’t tell him to fuck right off, but judai definitely would, if it were reversed. maybe in not so many words, but. he doesn't need a caretaker. even if he did, he does not want one.</p><p>shit, he's been sitting here way too long. huda is smiling at him, like there's nothing wrong. yusei is still petting the cat. his free hand is starting to shake.</p><p>at what point does "respecting unspoken boundaries" become watching someone kill themselves bit by bit?</p><p><em>fuck it</em>. judai scans his eyes over the menu again, searching until he finds a good choice. "could i have a caramel meow-cchiato?"</p><p>the pun is delightful, even if the drink won't be, so judai gives huda the most winning grin he can. she returns it threefold, adding a giggle of her own. "of course, of course. one black coffee, and a caramel meow-cchiato. anything to eat?"</p><p>judai doesn't look to yusei, because he doesn't need to. "mm, better not. can't spoil dinner!" <em>can't push my luck.</em></p><p>she laughs again. "right, of course! i'll get these in for you, then. i'll be back in a jiff!" with that, huda turns on her heel, disappearing into the back room.</p><p>this is a <em>supremely</em> bad idea. judai has a lot of those, but this, in particular, is extremely stupid. first of all, he doesn't even <em>like</em> lattes, especially sweetened ones. he and sugar just don't mix. and second, what's he planning to say when their drinks show up? here yusei, shove this into your face because <em>judai</em> thinks it's best. <em>i know you said you weren't in the mood, but i got this for you because i think that you are, actually.</em> it's so fucking presumptuous, it makes judai want to vomit. you can't save someone from something they choose, even if you think they're making the wrong choice. didn't he ever fucking learn?</p><p>he picks at the skin on his finger. miki swats at him: his hands are for <em>her</em> back, not for anxious ticks, thank you very much. oh well. it's not like he's gonna force yusei if he hates it that much. it's worth a shot. and it's better than the other option, which is to sit back and watch yusei cut himself in every way except with a knife.</p><p>it's a couple more minutes before huda comes back, two cups with saucers and a pot on her tray. she sets judai's down first, and the milk swirls, a little foam cat peaking over the cup's edge. "i hope you both enjoy!" huda says with a bow and a smile. she bounces away again, tray tucked beneath her arm. judai turns his attention to yusei, who is scrunching up his nose and twisting his lips as he plays with the handle on his coffee cup, thick, black liquid rippling with motion.</p><p>judai hooks his pinkie through his own cup, the cat foam jiggling as he pulls it towards himself. alright. moment of truth. there are, like, a thousand different ways to offer this, but all of them work. <em>oi, isn't this cute? do you wanna try some? wanna trade?</em></p><p>"i like it here," is what he says aloud when he opens his mouth, because he's a disaster. something of a smile ghosts yusei's lips, tinged with something wistful.</p><p>"me, too."</p><p>"do you come a lot?"</p><p>yusei's head-shake is aggressive, quick. "not really. it's a bit further from where i usually venture out."</p><p>"ah, i see."</p><p>silence befalls them again, holy shit, how long has it been this thick? judai might choke on it. he wracks his brain for some kind of conversation topic—which is yknow, easy street for judai—only to come up short now, of all times. wow. this is actually the worst. he really has got to stop trying to "help" because he is capital-B Bad at it, holy fuck. miki, who must have grown tired of his wayward attention, hopped off his lap at some point, and he's only just now noticing because instead of staring into her eyes, he is staring into the beady orbs of the foam cat, chocolate-dusted but soulless, somehow.</p><p>"are you going to try it?" yusei asks. his coffee still remains on the table, untouched.</p><p>right. here it is. moment of truth, part two. god, this foam cat's eyes are piercing.</p><p>instead of trying to formulate an excuse, judai picks up his cup to take a sip. and oh fuck. damn. his face scrunches up on instinct, teeth already stinging. he thought it was going to be bad, but holy shit. it's <em>so</em> sickly, even from the tiniest bit he slurped, it's cloying, sticking to his tastebuds and digging its heels in. he can't taste the coffee, or even the milk; it's just vaguely caramelized sugar loudly yelling into his sensory organs, "<strong>SWEET!</strong>"</p><p>judai, being in pleasant company, does not immediately spit it back out into the cup, but he <em>does</em> gag as he swallows. yusei looks vaguely amused. "that bad?"</p><p>"i'm not a fan of sweet things," judai coughs out a reply in a way that is, mayhaps, a tinge dramatic. "not unless they're people."</p><p>"really?" he cocks his head to the side, fully ignoring the second half of judai's sentence.</p><p>"yeah, it's not my speed."</p><p>"why would you get something like that then?" yusei asks, because y'know, of course. valid question. and judai could lie this away with ease, make a joke that he didn't think it'd be that sweet. say he's not much of a cafe-goer. deflect by saying he likes to live life on the edge. and yusei would accept that with ease, too, as he quietly accepts most things, even when he knows they're bullshit. but. ah. once again. fuck it.</p><p>"i did say i wanted to get something else so i could steal yours," judai leans his head into his elbow. "and i thought you could use a break from brown bitter liquid. if you wanted, anyways."</p><p>yusei just sorta looks at him at that. blinks a couple times. same way he always does. sweat gathers on the back of judai's neck.</p><p>"i mean, you don't have to. like, if i must," judai puts on his best, most dramatic voice, hoping, <em>praying</em> for levity. "i will suffer—"</p><p>"i'll try it."</p><p>"—through... wait, for real?"</p><p>yusei nods.</p><p>judai blinks. huh. <em>huh</em>. without thinking, he slides the cup across the table into yusei's waiting, gloved hands.</p><p>when he takes his first sip, yusei's eyes widen almost instantly, the light catching in the pupils as delight spreads across his face, like one big wave of joy crashing on the shore. judai's reminded of the ice cream they got a million years ago, how when he took his first bite, it was like pleasure took yusei by surprise. it'd be adorable, if it didn't make judai's chest ache so much. yusei takes back another sip. then another. when he finally sets down the cup, there's a milk mustache left on his face, and runs his tongue along it, eyes fluttering shut as he savors. judai short circuits. holy shit.</p><p>"th-that—" judai clears his throat. "that good, huh?"</p><p>sheepishly, yusei nods. he taps a nail against the ceramic. "...sweet things are my speed."</p><p>relief and giddiness sweep through judai so fast, he gets lightheaded. he can't believe that worked. in an extremely roundabout way, for sure, but it <em>worked</em>. yusei takes another drink of the caramel macchiato, both hands surrounding his cup, and the way he relishes it sits heavy in the way his shoulders relax, the way his whole body relaxes from it. it's a moment of well-deserved respite.</p><p>thank god.</p><p>"here," says judai, leaning across the table and making grabby hands for the black coffee. "now it's my turn."</p><p>as they settle into their drinks and the myriads of cats ("oh look who finally decided to come back! get bored without me, miki?") who come and go around them, they chat about nothing and everything for a long while before yusei looks at his watch and balks. "our time is going to be up soon. and we should get home before it gets dark."</p><p>judai nods. the smile on his face feels ever-present and warm. yusei's really cute (<em>again, yuki. seriously.)</em> and his coffee cup is empty, too.</p><p>"i think i'll use the restroom before the ride back," he slides out from the booth as he speaks, fiddling with his button down, smoothing down the tops of his pant legs.</p><p>"i'll talk to huda about the bill."</p><p>it only takes a second after yusei's gone to get their server's attention, considering how empty the cafe is at this time. the same bounce in her step returns as she approaches, broad grin only widening as judai asks her for the check.</p><p>"ms. nyangela said you two were welcome to stay past your time slot, if you'd like! since we took so long to get to your order and everything."</p><p>"aw, that's sweet of you," judai replies. "but we should get going. wouldn't want you to lose business over us."</p><p>"oh no, really! we're not busy on wednesdays. and besides," she bites her lip, stealing a furtive glance at the bathroom, "fudo-sensei has helped us out on more than one occasion. this is the least we could do."</p><p>judai's eyebrows knit together. didn't he say he never came here? "really?"</p><p>"oh yes!" she nods enthusiastically. "he used to come here all the time, years ago. with a blue-haired boy, um... bruno? i think?"</p><p>what? huda continues talking after that, but noise rings so loud in judai's ears, he can't hear it. <em>he what</em>? this place. he used to come here, to this place, with <em>him</em>, the one he never talks about, but always talks about, the man in the picture frame. the reason the bruno project exists at all. this was their place. <em>oh fuck me</em>. all at once the dots connect in his brain: ms. nyangela willing to drop everything for yusei. his resistance to coming here. all of it.</p><p>"—they really were a riot, though, those two," shit, huda's been talking this whole time.</p><p>"i'll bet," judai says, hoping it makes sense.</p><p>"one day, though. they just stopped... coming," huda's smile starts to wane. "i could never figure out why. for the longest time, i'd thought they'd just broken up, but, um. even if... there was no record of him, word really does travel fast around here. especially for fudo yusei and associates."</p><p>judai doesn't know where to put this information. where's he supposed to file "accidentally took friend to his ex's favorite haunt" away in his brain? under disastrous choices he didn't even know he was making? boy is <em>that</em> filing cabinet fucking big. but huda turns to him and she's all smiles.</p><p>"you know, i never thought i'd see fudo-sensei after that. this place had meant so much to the two of them... and whenever i caught glimpses of him at press conferences or on the news, he always looked so sad. i was worried he'd never smile again. but," her whole face softens now, her hands behind her back. "today i got to see the sun shine through him. thank you, yuki-san."</p><p>judai tries to grope for words. "i—it wasn't—"</p><p>"ah, fudo-sensei!"</p><p>yusei is approaching them, lab coat tucked neatly over his arm, free hand stuffed into his pocket. huda's voice is as bubbly and kind as it was when they first walked in, her eyes trained on him with such love and adoration. he's still at a loss for words. nothing he's done has been all that significant; if anything, he's lucky this didn't make things worse. and yet... the sun really does shine through yusei. and when he looks at judai and his smile gets even brighter, even more mesmerizing, judai finds the breath in his lungs stolen, leaving only a warm buzz in its wake. "ready to go?" asks yusei, in a soft voice that wraps judai in blankets, and it's at this point that he realizes: fact the third is fact the first. everyone really is in love with the great fudo yusei.</p>
<hr/><p>they take the train home because yusei's bike is in the shop. tucked into some side facing seats, winter sun already setting and filtering soft through the train windows at half past three, judai blasts PUNPEE through the headphones he and yusei share, scrolling on twitter. the news is all the same these days, at least with yusei's old crew. jack and crow are still doing duel circuits in america. aki's still in finland, working in residency. "oh!" judai leans a bit into yusei's side, tilting his screen so he can see. "looks like rua finally fixed up that d-wheel he found."</p><p>yusei's response is a quiet, affirming sound, a hum that vibrates from how close they are. judai just smiles into the silence, keeps scrolling.</p><p>a few minutes pass. PUNPEE's beats fade out, train ambiance replacing them as the next song queues. it's then that yusei's voice rumbles to life again: "hey, judai-san..."</p><p>judai turns to him. yusei's gaze trains on the fresh latte huda insisted he take with him, wisps of steam playing at the panes of his glasses. "thank you for today," he mumbles.</p><p>it was nothing, judai wants to say, because it was. it is nothing. judai's skin still crawls with thought and something thick still sits beneath the surface of his stomach because yeah, this worked today, but what about tonight when he gets home, where judai's almost positive yusei won't give a second look at a real meal for the rest of the night? what about tomorrow, when he'll come to the lab, and he'll stumble because he hasn't consumed anything that wasn't water in the past twelve hours? what about every day and every night the past comes to haunt him and he lets it in, because what else</p><p>the light of the sunset catches the creases of yusei's smile, sending rays down towards the thumb that lovingly caresses the papery edge of the coffee cup. the knot in judai's stomach starts to unravel a tad. things aren't fine, but. if they can't celebrate the little victories, then what's left? "anything for you, speed racer," hums judai. <em>anything.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>catch me @ygoshenyanigans on tweeter</p></blockquote></div></div>
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